Struggling to legalise and be healthy

I don't want to be fat any more. I'm at my heaviest weight  and I'm also not loving the way I'm eating either. Even if you take size out the equation for a moment (hard to do when I'm feeling frumpy) I still don't love the way that the food I eat is making me feel. As you'll know, I'm a big fan of Beyond Chocolate - it just makes perfect sense that this is the right way to eat. But, of the ten principles, I am still - six years later - stuck on 'eat what you want'. That's the one that most people dive into in the beginning, eating chocolate and cake and pizza and chips with gay abandon until they realise that actually they want something more nutritious as well. Except I don't seem to have got to the wanting something more nutritious stage. I still want chocolate and cake all the time. I'm still drawn to it every time and I still overeat every time and I don't live in hope that it will ever change.

Now, having been amongst the BC community for a few years now, I'm pretty sure I know what the responses would be if I was to say this on the forum or to Sophie or Audrey (the creators of Beyond Chocolate). I would expect the responses to be - and if I'm wrong and people want to throw some other theories in, please do! - that either I haven't legalised these forbidden foods I'm overeating or that I'm not eating them whilst also observing the other principles. And both of these suggestions would be correct.

When I eat chocolate or cake, I tend to do something else at the same time - watch TV, surf the net, play on my phone. Or otherwise they will be wolfed down standing at the kitchen counter whilst I'm making a cup of tea. Two or three doughnuts can easily be gone in less time than it takes for the kettle to boil. I don't want to savour or enjoy them - I just want to stuff them down. It's habitual. If I was truly following the BC principles, I would be allowing myself those foods, but waiting until I was hungry to eat them and then putting them on a plate and focussing and then stopping when I've had enough. But I don't. I always tell myself I will but then, when it comes to it, I tell myself 'maybe next time instead'. I just eat until I feel sick or until it's gone.

The problem is that it's still the Last Supper mentality. The last time I'll binge or eat so much of those foods because tomorrow I'll do better. Tomorrow I'll eat like a normal person. Except I've told myself that every day for the past twenty years and discovering Beyond Chocolate and the concept of intuitive eating hasn't actually got rid of it. Instead of thinking 'tomorrow I will diet' it's just 'tomorrow I will eat intuitively'. Not today. Not now. I just need to do it once more. This is where legalising food comes in and that's something I still really struggle with. I told myself I've legalised this food but I haven't.

Legalising forbidden foods is about acknowledging that you can have these foods whenever you want. And so, by not restricting your options or creating a 'I better have it now because tomorrow I will be on a diet' situation, you should be able to choose what you really want. It means that all foods are equal and don't have guilt attached to them. Beyond Chocolate suggests a way to do this is to stock up on large amounts of your forbidden food so that you can be reassured that it's always there if you want it. This is a great idea and I know it's helped lots of people. But it didn't work for me and I felt like a failure. Every time I'd go in the kitchen, I'd have some. There was loads - no one would even know it was missing. But of course I wasn't combining it with the other principles - just grabbing it and eating it without breaking my stride.

I didn't actually really believe I even needed to legalise any foods purely because I never really dieted and therefore I always allowed myself to eat the food. Why was I eating so much if I wasn't responding to dieting? Well, partly because just by planning to diet or 'be good' I was anticipating scarcity and therefore falling into the Last Supper trap (I blogged about this more in my Deprivation Without Dieting post). Also the crux of the matter is that, whilst I believe that I can eat these foods whenever I want, what I don't believe is that I can eat these foods whenever I want, in whatever quantity I want and not suffer for it. By 'suffer' I mean gain weight, feel sick, bloat up, lack energy, damage my teeth etc. And so I find myself in a bit of a chicken and egg situation; I will only stop eating such high quantities of these foods when I have legalised them BUT in order to legalise them I have to be able to prove to myself that I can safely eat them in the quantities I desire (which is going to be huge quantities because I'll only want less when I can prove that I can eat enormous quantities without suffering...). And so round and round I go. I want to eat less of these foods because I think they are negatively affecting my health in the quantities I eat them but how else do I legalise them? I'm still choosing with my taste buds and not with my whole body and I need to be kind to my body because it's not in a good state. Some days I just wish chocolate and cake didn't exist and I didn't have a choice at all. 

Deprivation without dieting

This week I've dipped my toe into the world of e-books and downloaded the Kindle app to my phone. The first book I downloaded is Gorgeously Full Fat as I love Sarah's blog of the same name and I'm really looking forward to reading more of her story. The second - which I have got stuck into straight away - is Josie's Spinardi's How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too. This was recommended to me by a fellow Beyond Chocolater and so far I'm really enjoying it. I've read a fair few books on intuitive eating (or whatever you want to call it) and they have all been excellent in their way but some of them have been a little heavy going for my tastes. This is something I've always loved about Beyond Chocolate - the book is really accessible - and Josie's book is the same. The person who mentioned the book to me did say that it draws upon lots of research and I did wonder if that would make it a bit dry but it really doesn't.

This isn't going to be a review of How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too as I'm not yet finished with it. I'm about two-thirds of the way through. I must admit that when I started reading it, I did wonder if I had erred in my choice. She makes it clear in her introduction that she is only dealing with overeating in response to dieting rather than emotional eating (she's going to deal with the latter in a second book which I'm really looking forward to reading) and I am definitely an emotional eater rather than a deprived dieter! The thing is that, unlike a lot of women who come to explore intuitive eating, I don't really have a history of dieting. It would be a lie to say I have never dieted, but it barely features in my eating history.

In terms of commercial diets, the only one I have done is Slimming World. And when I say that I 'did' it, I mean for about two days. I went to my first meeting on a Monday evening, got weighed and bought a bunch of books before sitting through what was probably the dullest evening of my life going round the room and everyone saying how much they had (or hadn't) lost that week. Tuesday and Wednesday I stuck to the diet and by lunchtime on Thursday I admitted how bloody miserable I was and jacked it in. Maybe that was because I hadn't stuck with it long enough to learn how to make syn-free pizza out of boiled potatoes or whatever but I don't think so. Other than that, my only forays into dieting have been good old-fashioned calorie counting. But again, those efforst have been few and far between and have lasted for well under a week each. So I'm certainly not someone that's lost 3 stone on a diet - in fact I doubt I've lost 3lb that way. That's not to say I've never lost weight; I have...several times. My weight has yo-yoed up and down within a 3-stone range multiple times during my adult years. But it's never being through dieting. It's been when I've been happy in my life and food just hasn't been something I have been obsessing over (and when I've been doing some kind of regular exercise) - so basically intuitive eating before I even knew what it was. Thing is, although I know I can do intuitive eating and that the weight does fall off that way, it's actually a lot harder to do when you're trying to do it.!

Most of my disordered eating history comes in the form of binge eating or emotional eating. It's rare I've been on the opposite side of the pendulum (dieting) but overeating - that I'm good at. So, I'm really excited for Josie Spinardi's second book as I think that will be really relevant to me. But, I got stuck into her first one anyway. Initially I thought that it was a good read but not really relevant to me as I don't diet, and haven't really done so in the past, so surely none of my overeating is the sort that's a direct reaction to dieting/restriction. However, the thought suddenly occurred to me that it actually is still relevant...

The type of overeating she refers to is the type that is a response to deprivation - the fact that you eat the chocolate because you've deprived yourself of it on a diet or (what she calls Eating Cuz You Ate) continuing to overeat 'forbidden' foods because you know you're going to deprive yourself as soon as you get 'back on the wagon' tomorrow. And it's this second bit that applies to me. I don't ever diet or deprive myself but, subconsciously, I do plan to. I find myself thinking that I might as well eat lots of cake/chocolate/biscuits/crisps today because tomorrow I'm going to 'be good' (not specifically go on a diet but a promise that tomorrow I'll do Beyond Chocolate 'properly' or make healthier choices etc). And I really think that my brain sees this as deprivation in exactly the same way as it would if I were on a diet. I never make that fresh start because I sabotage it before it begins and I don't think I ever properly understood why. So maybe you don't have to diet or restrict your food to feel deprived - just thinking about it is enough. And that would totally explain why pretty much every single day for the last twenty years I have said 'today is the last day I overeat - tomorrow I'll have a fresh start' and that fresh start never happens because every single day just ends up being one more 'last day'. That's a lot of last suppers and probably very few of them have been enjoyed because I'm shovelling them in in anticipation of self-imposed scarcity rather than actually enjoying them in the knowledge that I can chose to eat those foods if and when I want.

Even six years after discovering intuitive eating, all I still want to eat is the sugary, junky stuff and maybe that is down to this subconscious planned deprivation too. I see other women on the intuitive eating journey who have now lost their taste for these foods and genuinely find themselves fancying fresh, wholesome food more often than not. And my gremlin tells me that that's because they are doing it 'properly' and this is what I'm supposed to be eating too. But, firstly, everyone's journey and dietary preferences are different. And, secondly, this subconscious belief that I'm supposed to end up in a place where I don't want to eat junk food seems to make me want it more because I might never eat it again once I'm doing it 'properly'. And seeing this in writing, it just sounds completely nuts. For starters, I may well still fancy these junky foods sometimes when I'm eating intuitively. And if I don't want them, then why would I want to eat them anyway? Why would I miss them if I get to a point I don't fancy them? So, surely it's a win-win? I either continue to fancy and enjoy them or I don't fancy them and then won't miss them. I'm seeing this as the same as being deprived of these foods and it's not the same at all. It's about choice. My choice. I just need to be brave and let myself choose based on what I really want and not on what I think I can't have tomorrow, or next week, or next year. I can have it all. Or not. It's my choice.

Why I overeat

Apologies in advance, but (much like the last one) I think this post is going to be another stream of consciousness jobby. I had no clue where my post was going last time and that turned out to be a good thing as my 'problem' with my drink wasn't actually what I thought it was going to be.

The latest chapter I've re-read in Beyond Temptation is all about why you overeat. Now the problem is that I really don't know why I overeat. I expect the reasons vary from circumstance to circumstance. Well the voice in my head says that I overeat because I'm greedy, lazy, pathetic and worthless. The book says that this reason is a myth. But there's that little voice popping up again saying "Oh I'm sure most people who overeat are lovely and not at all greedy and have good reason to overeat. But I'm different...I really am greedy". Hmmm. Guess that would be my gremlin at work wouldn't it? Another couple of chapters before I start looking at her properly. But, be warned, missy, your time is coming!

I think greediness is maybe sometimes why I overeat. Sometimes the food just tastes too good to not have it. I mean, there has to be a reason so many people overeat on crisps, cake, chocolate, pizza, chips, biscuits and so on. It's usually the high fat, high sugar, high salt, processed type of foods. And we eat those because they are convenient and they taste good. Do many overeaters binge on vegetables? Outside of being on a diet plan which allows them as 'free' food?

The main reason I overeat is out of habit. I've done it for so long that not doing it seems almost alien. Overeating for me isn't usually directly caused by specific feelings or situations (maybe indirectly sometimes) but by opportunity. Overeating is my 'dirty little secret' if you like. DH knows I do it, but probably not the extent. But not my family or my friends, other than the vague faux-jovial comments of "I eat far too much chocolate" or "you know I never refuse cake!" and the like. But it's general done in secret. So, overeating for me tends to occur when I'm alone. When X was a baby, I used to graze half the day long as I was at home alone (not counting an oblivious newborn). Of course, he's nearly three now. Not oblivious at all and if I'm eating vast quantities of sugary, fatty foods in his presence then he wants them too. So, whilst he is far from banned from having those foods, my overeating tends to be saved for when he naps. I kind of dread the day the naps stop!! The second he's asleep and we're through the door into the house, the kettle goes on for me to make some tea to go with my snacks. Half of the time, I've eaten it all, quickly, mindlessly, before the kettle boils. I tell myself I'll have one doughnut while the kettle boils and sit down with the other. But suddenly the second one is gone without me even realising. Day in, day out this happens.

X started pre-school in April. Only two half-days but it's another four hours a week I'm home alone and have the opportunity to overeat. Weekends are trickier. I have to create opportunities to be alone to indulge as, even at nap time, DH will be there. I'll 'helpfully' offer to be the one to pop out to the supermarket to buy something for dinner. And then I'll eat two chocolate bars on the three minute walk home (yes, we're that close!). I hate it and yet I sometimes feel like I'll explode if I don't do it. Of course, I accept that, medically speaking, spontaneous combustion is actually unlikely.

So, yes, it's habit. Whenever I'm alone. It's not because I don't like being alone. I enjoy that time to myself. Enjoy that time to blog, read , Tweet or generally piddle about on the internet. Maybe it helps me block the guilt that I'm not doing something more 'productive' (whether that's housework or some kind of creative or active hobby). It's part of who I have been for so long that it's really hard for me to imagine what life is like without it. I don't want it in my life but it's hard to think I could exist without it. I guess it was a coping mechanism when I was a teenager and now it's just habit. I don't even need the triggers anymore. Some of the things that were true of my life then and that I felt needed to be 'coped' with are still true; some aren't. But the overeating habit remains. Alone time = overeating time. I think that as a teenager I was very lonely when I was alone (and this was back before the internet and smartphones and the like to waste my time with) and had no hobbies or interests. I binged to take away the loneliness and the misery. I'm not lonely any more (still miserable sometimes and lacking in hobbies/interests though) but I still use that time to overeat. Even if I'm doing something else as well...the idea of not using alone time to overeat is quite strange. Guess I'm going to have to do some more experimenting.

Just a drink?

I have one of those pre-pay Starbucks cards where you get a star for each purchase and then when you have fifteen stars you get a free drink. My voucher for my first free drink came through last week and I decided that today would be the day I would use it. X is at pre-school on a Tuesday morning so it's a good time for me to have time to go to a coffee shop on my own. Actually, I chose to get my drink 'to go' and bring it home today but still...

It's probably akin to blasphemy to say so in Starbucks but I don't like coffee. I normally drink tea. But somehow I wanted to use my free voucher on something more exciting.  Just like I'd prefer to use my Boots Advantage points on a lipstick rather than toothpaste. So I opted for one of their caramel crème blend frappuccinos (which don't contain coffee). Medium size (a grande is it?) since I wasn't having to actually pay the £3.45 for it.

As I took the 5 minute walk home, beginning to sip my creamy drink, a thought came to mind. And, with that thought, a feeling of guilt. The thought was "I shouldn't be drinking this. It's fattening. It's disgusting. It must have hundreds of calories". An interesting thought for someone who eats - sometimes mindfully, mostly not - large quantities of cakes and chocolate and popcorn and biscuits, probably well in excess of whatever number of calories is in the drink, every single day. I know that the overeating is not desirable behaviour and obviously I'm trying to work on that. But when I am eating that stuff, I don't actually find myself thinking of the calories or how fattening it is (although I may be disgusted at my behaviour) and all those foodstuffs are equally deficient in nutrients and high in fat/sugar as that frappucino. So what's the difference?

The difference is that it's a drink. I never even really realised that might be a 'thing' for me. My day-to-day drinks are tea (with a dash of milk), Diet Coke, and water. All with negligible calories. Now this isn't why I choose these drinks - I'm pretty certain of that. Well it was why I switched from full fat coke to the diet variety originally (somewhere in my teens) but I do genuinely prefer it now. These are just what I like to drink. Occasionally I will have fruit juice or a smoothie - but maybe that's 'ok' because counts towards your fruit/veg intake. And very occasionally an alcoholic drink. But somehow with alcohol, I don't think the sugar/calories/nutritional value has ever really crossed my mind. Maybe it would if I drank a lot but I think that in 2013 so far I have had one can of lager (in fact I think I tipped half of it away in the end) on a hot evening and one amaretto sour before the meal at a posh restaurant on our wedding anniversary.

If you take the alcoholic variety out of the equation (I'm partial to the occasional Baileys over Christmas), creamy drinks do kind of make me twitchy. Mentally not physically. Milkshakes, hot chocolate and the like. Frappuccinos too I guess - although to all intents and purposes they are just a glorified milkshake. I'm curious as to why. I rarely fancy these drinks anyway, so it isn't that I'm going around denying myself them day in, day out. But occasionally I do. And then I agonise over it. I think it might be because when I go to a café/coffee shop - the only time I am ever likely to be drawn to these drinks - I always have a cup of tea and piece of cake. I really struggle to have just a cup of tea. Even if I'm not hungry. I want the cake. Or maybe just a biscuit if I'm really full already (the Starbucks ginger ones are a favourite). But I do like something sweet with my tea. Now, if I opt for a sweet, creamy drink such as a milkshake or a hot chocolate, that leaves me with a dilemma. Do I still have the cake or not? If I have the cake as well, I know I'll end up feeling sick. If I don't have it, however, I feel like I'm missing out.

I didn't order cake with my frappuccino today. Partly because I couldn't be bothered to get my wallet out as well as my 'free drink' voucher and partly because I got my drink to take away rather than to drink there. I'm glad I didn't. I would have felt sick. The drink alone was enough. I think maybe this is something I need to experiment with over the coming months. See what it's like to order a creamy drink next time I fancy one. To say it will be enough without the cake. Or maybe order it with the cake and try just eating/drinking until I feel full...even if that means leaving some of both. Maybe even one day, just having the tea without cake. Seeing what it's like to not have something sweet at all. Interesting.

Food and fitness

Well, it's a cliche I know, but two of the things I want to address in becoming a 'better me' are food and fitness. Yes, I want to lose weight - about 2 stone or so - but also to get fitter and address my relationship with food rather than just going on a diet. I'm an emotional eater you see.

I've been working on the fitness bit a little this week. I've been to the gym twice. Yes, again I know the gym is a cliche but I do actually enjoy it once I'm there. I don't enjoy going when it's busy though. I also don't enjoy being told what to do. I know which machines I enjoy using, which ones I hate and which ones I can't use due to them hurting my knees. So twice this week I have been up early and hit the gym at 6:30am. I like to do it first thing so it doesn't impact the rest of my day. Also, as a full time parent, there's the childcare issue; my gym has no creche, so going before DH goes to work is crucial so that he can take care of our son. I've had two great workouts - combining weights machines with cardio each time - and can't wait to go again next week.

It hasn't been such a good week on the food front. Probably because, despite renouncing diets, I still catch myself saying I'm going to be 'good' and straight away I want to rebel and dive into the nearest bar of Dairy Milk. It's also hard not to feel like I've 'spoiled it' by eating cake when I've been to the gym. But hey, eating cake and going to the gym is better than eating cake and not going to the gym!

I'll talk more about the eating side of things in future posts. But just to say that, although I'd like to reduce my intake of cake and chocolate and all things sweet - much as I love them and wouldn't be without them long term - as I do tend to find it hard to tune in to my satisfaction point with them, on the whole I'm aiming to work with the principles outlined in Sophie and Audrey Boss's book Beyond Chocolate.  It's all to do with tuning in to your hunger and learning to eat when you are hungry, eat what you are hungry for and stop when you're satisfied. That's where I'm aiming to be at any rate, but it's a long and very slow journey!