It's not just about the weight

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm an overeater. I binge eat, I comfort eat, I eat more than I need, I graze constantly on sugary snacks, I stuff down my feelings, I pig out. Call it what you like. It's what I do. I've done it for over twenty years. And to be honest, I'm terrified that I'll always do it. I've been on workshops with the fabulous women at Beyond Chocolate and have just started working through their second book Beyond Temptation in a hope that I can start to finally get a grip on my overeating. I'll be blogging about my journey both on here and also - in micro - on my Twitter account (@kerryoneating - I use this to talk purely about overeating and body image whereas this blog covers all areas of my life, hence they don't have the same name).

So, I'm hopeful that I can change how I use food. But I'm still scared that I won't. It's been nearly six years since I first went on a Beyond Chocolate workshop and, even though they make perfect sense,  I have been too scared to embrace the principles properly in all that time...and getting fixated just on the 'eat what you want' one...

I don't want to be fat any more. I don't want my weight to yo-yo up and down every few years. I don't want to feel deflated every time I go in a shop and try something pretty on and it looks bloody awful on me even if it technically fits. I don't want to feel that there's not even any point in shopping for anything nice because I don't know how many weeks or months it will fit for before I've gained even more weight. My husband bought me a gorgeous coat (this one)for my birthday at the end of March. Felt fab when I chose it but there was no 'grow room' in it at all and it's now too tight just two months later. Barely worn. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and hating how big I am.

But...it's not just about the weight. It's about the eating. I used to think how much I would love it if someone could wave a magic wand and it meant I could eat loads of cake and chocolate all day long and be a size 10. I don't think that now. It's easy to get stuck in the mind-set of thinking the only thing 'wrong' with eating a diet consisting of large quantities of high sugar, high fat, processed foods is that they are high in calories and therefore will make you fat. But it's not just about the weight. Or the calories. It's about the fact that years of eating so much sugar have done irreparable damage to my teeth. I may lose weight one day. But I'll never get my teeth back. I have fillings in around half of them. And that's because of how I eat. I also suffer with knee pain. That's probably mostly down to genetics (my mother has arthritis) but lifestyle also plays a part. I don't think my weight affects it as my knee pain was no better at a size 10 than a size 18. BUT I do think that too much processed, sugary, food and not enough good fats in my diet probably hasn't helped. The fact that I rarely exercise and I sit badly has DEFINITELY not helped. I have horribly bad posture which has, in turn, given my back ache and a bit of a mini-hump and the back of my neck and shoulders. I have very little energy. I wake up tired most days (and not just because I have a small child...although obviously that doesn't help!). I'm physically tired and my mental energy is non-existent. I feel like I just can't be bothered with anything.  And I don't want to feel like that.

I desperately want to be slimmer and feel more confident and wear nicer clothes. But, when I'm 90 (if I'm lucky enough to get there), am I going to look back and regret not being thinner or prettier? Or am I going to look back and regret being too tired and sore to play with my child? Too cranky and depressed to do the things I'd like to do but don't have the energy and the confidence to do? Too scared to go out and actually LIVE my life?

I think I know the answer.

Food and fitness

Well, it's a cliche I know, but two of the things I want to address in becoming a 'better me' are food and fitness. Yes, I want to lose weight - about 2 stone or so - but also to get fitter and address my relationship with food rather than just going on a diet. I'm an emotional eater you see.

I've been working on the fitness bit a little this week. I've been to the gym twice. Yes, again I know the gym is a cliche but I do actually enjoy it once I'm there. I don't enjoy going when it's busy though. I also don't enjoy being told what to do. I know which machines I enjoy using, which ones I hate and which ones I can't use due to them hurting my knees. So twice this week I have been up early and hit the gym at 6:30am. I like to do it first thing so it doesn't impact the rest of my day. Also, as a full time parent, there's the childcare issue; my gym has no creche, so going before DH goes to work is crucial so that he can take care of our son. I've had two great workouts - combining weights machines with cardio each time - and can't wait to go again next week.

It hasn't been such a good week on the food front. Probably because, despite renouncing diets, I still catch myself saying I'm going to be 'good' and straight away I want to rebel and dive into the nearest bar of Dairy Milk. It's also hard not to feel like I've 'spoiled it' by eating cake when I've been to the gym. But hey, eating cake and going to the gym is better than eating cake and not going to the gym!

I'll talk more about the eating side of things in future posts. But just to say that, although I'd like to reduce my intake of cake and chocolate and all things sweet - much as I love them and wouldn't be without them long term - as I do tend to find it hard to tune in to my satisfaction point with them, on the whole I'm aiming to work with the principles outlined in Sophie and Audrey Boss's book Beyond Chocolate.  It's all to do with tuning in to your hunger and learning to eat when you are hungry, eat what you are hungry for and stop when you're satisfied. That's where I'm aiming to be at any rate, but it's a long and very slow journey!