Why I overeat

Apologies in advance, but (much like the last one) I think this post is going to be another stream of consciousness jobby. I had no clue where my post was going last time and that turned out to be a good thing as my 'problem' with my drink wasn't actually what I thought it was going to be.

The latest chapter I've re-read in Beyond Temptation is all about why you overeat. Now the problem is that I really don't know why I overeat. I expect the reasons vary from circumstance to circumstance. Well the voice in my head says that I overeat because I'm greedy, lazy, pathetic and worthless. The book says that this reason is a myth. But there's that little voice popping up again saying "Oh I'm sure most people who overeat are lovely and not at all greedy and have good reason to overeat. But I'm different...I really am greedy". Hmmm. Guess that would be my gremlin at work wouldn't it? Another couple of chapters before I start looking at her properly. But, be warned, missy, your time is coming!

I think greediness is maybe sometimes why I overeat. Sometimes the food just tastes too good to not have it. I mean, there has to be a reason so many people overeat on crisps, cake, chocolate, pizza, chips, biscuits and so on. It's usually the high fat, high sugar, high salt, processed type of foods. And we eat those because they are convenient and they taste good. Do many overeaters binge on vegetables? Outside of being on a diet plan which allows them as 'free' food?

The main reason I overeat is out of habit. I've done it for so long that not doing it seems almost alien. Overeating for me isn't usually directly caused by specific feelings or situations (maybe indirectly sometimes) but by opportunity. Overeating is my 'dirty little secret' if you like. DH knows I do it, but probably not the extent. But not my family or my friends, other than the vague faux-jovial comments of "I eat far too much chocolate" or "you know I never refuse cake!" and the like. But it's general done in secret. So, overeating for me tends to occur when I'm alone. When X was a baby, I used to graze half the day long as I was at home alone (not counting an oblivious newborn). Of course, he's nearly three now. Not oblivious at all and if I'm eating vast quantities of sugary, fatty foods in his presence then he wants them too. So, whilst he is far from banned from having those foods, my overeating tends to be saved for when he naps. I kind of dread the day the naps stop!! The second he's asleep and we're through the door into the house, the kettle goes on for me to make some tea to go with my snacks. Half of the time, I've eaten it all, quickly, mindlessly, before the kettle boils. I tell myself I'll have one doughnut while the kettle boils and sit down with the other. But suddenly the second one is gone without me even realising. Day in, day out this happens.

X started pre-school in April. Only two half-days but it's another four hours a week I'm home alone and have the opportunity to overeat. Weekends are trickier. I have to create opportunities to be alone to indulge as, even at nap time, DH will be there. I'll 'helpfully' offer to be the one to pop out to the supermarket to buy something for dinner. And then I'll eat two chocolate bars on the three minute walk home (yes, we're that close!). I hate it and yet I sometimes feel like I'll explode if I don't do it. Of course, I accept that, medically speaking, spontaneous combustion is actually unlikely.

So, yes, it's habit. Whenever I'm alone. It's not because I don't like being alone. I enjoy that time to myself. Enjoy that time to blog, read , Tweet or generally piddle about on the internet. Maybe it helps me block the guilt that I'm not doing something more 'productive' (whether that's housework or some kind of creative or active hobby). It's part of who I have been for so long that it's really hard for me to imagine what life is like without it. I don't want it in my life but it's hard to think I could exist without it. I guess it was a coping mechanism when I was a teenager and now it's just habit. I don't even need the triggers anymore. Some of the things that were true of my life then and that I felt needed to be 'coped' with are still true; some aren't. But the overeating habit remains. Alone time = overeating time. I think that as a teenager I was very lonely when I was alone (and this was back before the internet and smartphones and the like to waste my time with) and had no hobbies or interests. I binged to take away the loneliness and the misery. I'm not lonely any more (still miserable sometimes and lacking in hobbies/interests though) but I still use that time to overeat. Even if I'm doing something else as well...the idea of not using alone time to overeat is quite strange. Guess I'm going to have to do some more experimenting.

It's not just about the weight

As I've mentioned in previous posts, I'm an overeater. I binge eat, I comfort eat, I eat more than I need, I graze constantly on sugary snacks, I stuff down my feelings, I pig out. Call it what you like. It's what I do. I've done it for over twenty years. And to be honest, I'm terrified that I'll always do it. I've been on workshops with the fabulous women at Beyond Chocolate and have just started working through their second book Beyond Temptation in a hope that I can start to finally get a grip on my overeating. I'll be blogging about my journey both on here and also - in micro - on my Twitter account (@kerryoneating - I use this to talk purely about overeating and body image whereas this blog covers all areas of my life, hence they don't have the same name).

So, I'm hopeful that I can change how I use food. But I'm still scared that I won't. It's been nearly six years since I first went on a Beyond Chocolate workshop and, even though they make perfect sense,  I have been too scared to embrace the principles properly in all that time...and getting fixated just on the 'eat what you want' one...

I don't want to be fat any more. I don't want my weight to yo-yo up and down every few years. I don't want to feel deflated every time I go in a shop and try something pretty on and it looks bloody awful on me even if it technically fits. I don't want to feel that there's not even any point in shopping for anything nice because I don't know how many weeks or months it will fit for before I've gained even more weight. My husband bought me a gorgeous coat (this one)for my birthday at the end of March. Felt fab when I chose it but there was no 'grow room' in it at all and it's now too tight just two months later. Barely worn. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and hating how big I am.

But...it's not just about the weight. It's about the eating. I used to think how much I would love it if someone could wave a magic wand and it meant I could eat loads of cake and chocolate all day long and be a size 10. I don't think that now. It's easy to get stuck in the mind-set of thinking the only thing 'wrong' with eating a diet consisting of large quantities of high sugar, high fat, processed foods is that they are high in calories and therefore will make you fat. But it's not just about the weight. Or the calories. It's about the fact that years of eating so much sugar have done irreparable damage to my teeth. I may lose weight one day. But I'll never get my teeth back. I have fillings in around half of them. And that's because of how I eat. I also suffer with knee pain. That's probably mostly down to genetics (my mother has arthritis) but lifestyle also plays a part. I don't think my weight affects it as my knee pain was no better at a size 10 than a size 18. BUT I do think that too much processed, sugary, food and not enough good fats in my diet probably hasn't helped. The fact that I rarely exercise and I sit badly has DEFINITELY not helped. I have horribly bad posture which has, in turn, given my back ache and a bit of a mini-hump and the back of my neck and shoulders. I have very little energy. I wake up tired most days (and not just because I have a small child...although obviously that doesn't help!). I'm physically tired and my mental energy is non-existent. I feel like I just can't be bothered with anything.  And I don't want to feel like that.

I desperately want to be slimmer and feel more confident and wear nicer clothes. But, when I'm 90 (if I'm lucky enough to get there), am I going to look back and regret not being thinner or prettier? Or am I going to look back and regret being too tired and sore to play with my child? Too cranky and depressed to do the things I'd like to do but don't have the energy and the confidence to do? Too scared to go out and actually LIVE my life?

I think I know the answer.