Deprivation without dieting

This week I've dipped my toe into the world of e-books and downloaded the Kindle app to my phone. The first book I downloaded is Gorgeously Full Fat as I love Sarah's blog of the same name and I'm really looking forward to reading more of her story. The second - which I have got stuck into straight away - is Josie's Spinardi's How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too. This was recommended to me by a fellow Beyond Chocolater and so far I'm really enjoying it. I've read a fair few books on intuitive eating (or whatever you want to call it) and they have all been excellent in their way but some of them have been a little heavy going for my tastes. This is something I've always loved about Beyond Chocolate - the book is really accessible - and Josie's book is the same. The person who mentioned the book to me did say that it draws upon lots of research and I did wonder if that would make it a bit dry but it really doesn't.

This isn't going to be a review of How to Have Your Cake and Your Skinny Jeans Too as I'm not yet finished with it. I'm about two-thirds of the way through. I must admit that when I started reading it, I did wonder if I had erred in my choice. She makes it clear in her introduction that she is only dealing with overeating in response to dieting rather than emotional eating (she's going to deal with the latter in a second book which I'm really looking forward to reading) and I am definitely an emotional eater rather than a deprived dieter! The thing is that, unlike a lot of women who come to explore intuitive eating, I don't really have a history of dieting. It would be a lie to say I have never dieted, but it barely features in my eating history.

In terms of commercial diets, the only one I have done is Slimming World. And when I say that I 'did' it, I mean for about two days. I went to my first meeting on a Monday evening, got weighed and bought a bunch of books before sitting through what was probably the dullest evening of my life going round the room and everyone saying how much they had (or hadn't) lost that week. Tuesday and Wednesday I stuck to the diet and by lunchtime on Thursday I admitted how bloody miserable I was and jacked it in. Maybe that was because I hadn't stuck with it long enough to learn how to make syn-free pizza out of boiled potatoes or whatever but I don't think so. Other than that, my only forays into dieting have been good old-fashioned calorie counting. But again, those efforst have been few and far between and have lasted for well under a week each. So I'm certainly not someone that's lost 3 stone on a diet - in fact I doubt I've lost 3lb that way. That's not to say I've never lost weight; I have...several times. My weight has yo-yoed up and down within a 3-stone range multiple times during my adult years. But it's never being through dieting. It's been when I've been happy in my life and food just hasn't been something I have been obsessing over (and when I've been doing some kind of regular exercise) - so basically intuitive eating before I even knew what it was. Thing is, although I know I can do intuitive eating and that the weight does fall off that way, it's actually a lot harder to do when you're trying to do it.!

Most of my disordered eating history comes in the form of binge eating or emotional eating. It's rare I've been on the opposite side of the pendulum (dieting) but overeating - that I'm good at. So, I'm really excited for Josie Spinardi's second book as I think that will be really relevant to me. But, I got stuck into her first one anyway. Initially I thought that it was a good read but not really relevant to me as I don't diet, and haven't really done so in the past, so surely none of my overeating is the sort that's a direct reaction to dieting/restriction. However, the thought suddenly occurred to me that it actually is still relevant...

The type of overeating she refers to is the type that is a response to deprivation - the fact that you eat the chocolate because you've deprived yourself of it on a diet or (what she calls Eating Cuz You Ate) continuing to overeat 'forbidden' foods because you know you're going to deprive yourself as soon as you get 'back on the wagon' tomorrow. And it's this second bit that applies to me. I don't ever diet or deprive myself but, subconsciously, I do plan to. I find myself thinking that I might as well eat lots of cake/chocolate/biscuits/crisps today because tomorrow I'm going to 'be good' (not specifically go on a diet but a promise that tomorrow I'll do Beyond Chocolate 'properly' or make healthier choices etc). And I really think that my brain sees this as deprivation in exactly the same way as it would if I were on a diet. I never make that fresh start because I sabotage it before it begins and I don't think I ever properly understood why. So maybe you don't have to diet or restrict your food to feel deprived - just thinking about it is enough. And that would totally explain why pretty much every single day for the last twenty years I have said 'today is the last day I overeat - tomorrow I'll have a fresh start' and that fresh start never happens because every single day just ends up being one more 'last day'. That's a lot of last suppers and probably very few of them have been enjoyed because I'm shovelling them in in anticipation of self-imposed scarcity rather than actually enjoying them in the knowledge that I can chose to eat those foods if and when I want.

Even six years after discovering intuitive eating, all I still want to eat is the sugary, junky stuff and maybe that is down to this subconscious planned deprivation too. I see other women on the intuitive eating journey who have now lost their taste for these foods and genuinely find themselves fancying fresh, wholesome food more often than not. And my gremlin tells me that that's because they are doing it 'properly' and this is what I'm supposed to be eating too. But, firstly, everyone's journey and dietary preferences are different. And, secondly, this subconscious belief that I'm supposed to end up in a place where I don't want to eat junk food seems to make me want it more because I might never eat it again once I'm doing it 'properly'. And seeing this in writing, it just sounds completely nuts. For starters, I may well still fancy these junky foods sometimes when I'm eating intuitively. And if I don't want them, then why would I want to eat them anyway? Why would I miss them if I get to a point I don't fancy them? So, surely it's a win-win? I either continue to fancy and enjoy them or I don't fancy them and then won't miss them. I'm seeing this as the same as being deprived of these foods and it's not the same at all. It's about choice. My choice. I just need to be brave and let myself choose based on what I really want and not on what I think I can't have tomorrow, or next week, or next year. I can have it all. Or not. It's my choice.

Just a drink?

I have one of those pre-pay Starbucks cards where you get a star for each purchase and then when you have fifteen stars you get a free drink. My voucher for my first free drink came through last week and I decided that today would be the day I would use it. X is at pre-school on a Tuesday morning so it's a good time for me to have time to go to a coffee shop on my own. Actually, I chose to get my drink 'to go' and bring it home today but still...

It's probably akin to blasphemy to say so in Starbucks but I don't like coffee. I normally drink tea. But somehow I wanted to use my free voucher on something more exciting.  Just like I'd prefer to use my Boots Advantage points on a lipstick rather than toothpaste. So I opted for one of their caramel crème blend frappuccinos (which don't contain coffee). Medium size (a grande is it?) since I wasn't having to actually pay the £3.45 for it.

As I took the 5 minute walk home, beginning to sip my creamy drink, a thought came to mind. And, with that thought, a feeling of guilt. The thought was "I shouldn't be drinking this. It's fattening. It's disgusting. It must have hundreds of calories". An interesting thought for someone who eats - sometimes mindfully, mostly not - large quantities of cakes and chocolate and popcorn and biscuits, probably well in excess of whatever number of calories is in the drink, every single day. I know that the overeating is not desirable behaviour and obviously I'm trying to work on that. But when I am eating that stuff, I don't actually find myself thinking of the calories or how fattening it is (although I may be disgusted at my behaviour) and all those foodstuffs are equally deficient in nutrients and high in fat/sugar as that frappucino. So what's the difference?

The difference is that it's a drink. I never even really realised that might be a 'thing' for me. My day-to-day drinks are tea (with a dash of milk), Diet Coke, and water. All with negligible calories. Now this isn't why I choose these drinks - I'm pretty certain of that. Well it was why I switched from full fat coke to the diet variety originally (somewhere in my teens) but I do genuinely prefer it now. These are just what I like to drink. Occasionally I will have fruit juice or a smoothie - but maybe that's 'ok' because counts towards your fruit/veg intake. And very occasionally an alcoholic drink. But somehow with alcohol, I don't think the sugar/calories/nutritional value has ever really crossed my mind. Maybe it would if I drank a lot but I think that in 2013 so far I have had one can of lager (in fact I think I tipped half of it away in the end) on a hot evening and one amaretto sour before the meal at a posh restaurant on our wedding anniversary.

If you take the alcoholic variety out of the equation (I'm partial to the occasional Baileys over Christmas), creamy drinks do kind of make me twitchy. Mentally not physically. Milkshakes, hot chocolate and the like. Frappuccinos too I guess - although to all intents and purposes they are just a glorified milkshake. I'm curious as to why. I rarely fancy these drinks anyway, so it isn't that I'm going around denying myself them day in, day out. But occasionally I do. And then I agonise over it. I think it might be because when I go to a café/coffee shop - the only time I am ever likely to be drawn to these drinks - I always have a cup of tea and piece of cake. I really struggle to have just a cup of tea. Even if I'm not hungry. I want the cake. Or maybe just a biscuit if I'm really full already (the Starbucks ginger ones are a favourite). But I do like something sweet with my tea. Now, if I opt for a sweet, creamy drink such as a milkshake or a hot chocolate, that leaves me with a dilemma. Do I still have the cake or not? If I have the cake as well, I know I'll end up feeling sick. If I don't have it, however, I feel like I'm missing out.

I didn't order cake with my frappuccino today. Partly because I couldn't be bothered to get my wallet out as well as my 'free drink' voucher and partly because I got my drink to take away rather than to drink there. I'm glad I didn't. I would have felt sick. The drink alone was enough. I think maybe this is something I need to experiment with over the coming months. See what it's like to order a creamy drink next time I fancy one. To say it will be enough without the cake. Or maybe order it with the cake and try just eating/drinking until I feel full...even if that means leaving some of both. Maybe even one day, just having the tea without cake. Seeing what it's like to not have something sweet at all. Interesting.