Intuitive eating is hard for so many reasons. Social conditioning is one I struggle with a lot. When the rest of the world seems to be talking about 'being good' or dieting and weight loss, it's really hard not to join in. More than that, it's really hard not to want to be one of the gang. I want it so badly. To weigh in each week and lose weight and know it's because I've worked hard. To have people admire me and tell me how great I'm doing and how fantastic I look. I see other women posting their 'before' and 'after' pictures on Facebook and the deluge of gushing comments about how amazing they look, how tiny they look and, gosh, it's hard not to want a piece of it. To be validated and adored.
It seems everyone is at it. My Facebook timeline sometimes seems full of Weight Watchers and Slimming Worlders. Befores and Durings and Afters. Those on my Twitter feed seem to favour the 5:2 diet - the #fastday hashtag a regular appearance. I toyed with the idea of 5:2. Eating what I want five days a week and fasting on two seemed like an easy way to go with my 'all or nothing' personality. If I picked days my son was in preschool and had my 500 calories as an evening meal with my husband, nobody would even have to know I was doing it. Swapping secret binges for secret dieting. Hmmmm...
At home is not always much easier. My husband has a naturally slim build and doesn't diet but he does want to eat more healthily. Of course, that makes me panic as it's like I'm losing my partner in crime. I'll casually ask if I should get something in for us to have for dessert or whether he'd like a chocolate bar and he'll say "I'm going to resist because I already had a beer earlier". I still go ahead and have what I was going to have, but suddenly I feel guilty about it. He's resisting and I'm not. He's being good and I'm not. He's going to end up fit and healthy and I'm not. Well well, little gremlin on my shoulder - what green eyes you have. Jealousy is a tricky emotion isn't it? It's not fair that these other people eat healthier or look prettier or lose weight and look amazing. I want that too...I just don't want to put in the hard work. Or at least, if I'm not going to get to be slim, I don't want anyone else to either.
Oh what a horrid feeling. This jealousy and anger. Of course, I could be part of the gang if I wanted. Count calories, cut out food groups and giggle about how naughty I'm being eating a biscuit. And the dividends would come - the weight loss, the admiration of other women. But if I could do that - if that was sustainable for me - wouldn't I already be doing it? Ultimately, that's not my journey and that's not how I want to 'belong'. Maybe one day, I'll lose weight again and people will tell me how amazing I look and want to know my secret. And if that's the case, then the secret is going to be listening to my body not counting calories or carbs. That might be someone else's journey, but this is mine, And that's ok.
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